Drunk Blogging. The 2nd Round

8:20. Romney gives a good talk against entitlement society. The starts in on Newts lunar colonies. Huh

8:21. Newt. Mitt you'd be a career politician...if you could win (hisss).

8:24. I guess this is the Newt v Romney debate.

8:25 Mitt. I couldn't make the NFL. Didn't make the senate.

8:26. Stephenopolus: let's bring in Ron Paul. Cuz he's crazy

8:27. Ron Paul. Y'all are all whores. (Paultards in audience go wild)

8:28. Newt. I'm not a lobbyist. I get paid to get advice.

8:29. I'm not sure I'd Perry is still on stage.

8:30. Michelle: Newt/Romney

8:31 the time rules are out the window

8:33. Romney: I'm not Newt

8:34. Newt. Me either

8:35. Perry is coming in too little too late

8:36. Obamacare is an Obamanation. I'll kick his *ss

Drunk blogging the Iowa Debate.

Fake snow in Iowa. Very classy

8:00. George I'm Impartial Stephenopolus looks dweebie. Diane sawyer is channeling Martha Stewart. Let's get started

No opening statements. Woot!

Newt kicks off: I worked with Reagan aka I'm the conservative. I worked with Clinton (wah?) vote for me

8:04 Mitt is in business. And he has the best hair (Perry gives the stink eye)

8:06. Ron Paul is crazy. Don't know what question he's answering.

8:08 Perry can draw a line between DC and Wall Street. Don't mess with Texas

8:09. Bachman. Win win win. 9 9 9 Rah Rah Rah

8:11. Santorum is still in the race?? Guess so. Doesn't need a no slinkin eurocrats

8:13. Michelle B is a tax attorney. And is the only person who knows what's in the social security lock box.

8:15 Mitt Obama is all about band aids and gasoline. Golf joke. Oolong snap

8:17. Stephie Stephonopolis is allowed to speak to Santorum

8:18. Ron Paul is still crazy. Cut off.

Word to the Wise

Lowering the Bar

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has been cracking down on public intoxication recently. So what’s the problem, you say? Well, they’ve actually been going into bars and clubs to arrest people. In Texas this is the equivalent of taking away a person’s guns or saying high school football is stupid. Thus the TABC has been flowed with complaints, and not just from yours truly for a change.

State Rep. Kino Flores heads an oversight committee that is looking into the matter. Flores had asked the TABC to halt the crackdown, but his request was denied because he wrote it on a cocktail napkin. “We are proud of the work our men and women do for Texas, but are equally concerned when we hear complaints from the Legislature, I mean public,” TABC Administrator Alan Steen wrote Monday in a letter to Flores.
Houston Sen. John Whitmire, who used to chair the Senate Criminal Justice Committee, also supports a review of the program. “I do believe, if run properly, with good judgment, it can be a public safety program that a majority of Texans would support,” he said. And by ‘majority of Texans’ he meant ‘Baptists.’

An incident in Irving involving two patrons arrested in a hotel bar sparked much of the public outcry. A check of the arrest report showed that those two had been overserved, a concept I don’t quite understand myself, but so be it. The woman was ‘taking her shirt off and shaking her bikini-clad breasts at customers.’ Oh the horror?!?

The male patron “spoke up loudly to encourage the female taking her shirt off” and then said, ‘I’ve seen better tits on a blogger!’ That’s just mean. Other behavior included men finding women more attractive than they actually were, and women holding their friends’ hair while they puked.

The crackdown has led to more than 2,200 arrests over the past 7 months. When asked if the TABC planned to target The Cloak Room during the upcoming special session, Steen replied, “Are you f*cking crazy?”

Big Starbucks

I’ve already documented my distaste for local coffee shops and my preference for corporate coffee. (Oh, yes I did, #occupyWhateverLameAssedCityYou’re In)  Yes, there’s a Starbucks on every corner, and if there isn’t a Starbucks, there’s a soon-to-be-Starbucks- acquisition Seattle’s Best.

And children are the necaffeine-addicted freaks  who call Starbucks home. (P.S. Get out of my house and take your Horizon organic milk with you.)

Starbucks has insisted for years that it does not market its delicious beverages to children, despite the subliminal messages on Venti cups tailored for 15-year-old boys that “coffee gets you laid” and “Frappuccinos are a turn-on.” The 15-year-old girls get cups that say “girls who don’t drink coffee die alone” and “decaf is for brunettes.”

Personally I see nothing wrong with children drinking coffee. I think it should start in the womb. Pregnant women giving up coffee and wine and blogging makes no sense to me.

Social Media

Don't look so shocked. Deep down we all knew it!

Toddler Check

On a recent flight, by recent I mean yesterday, an adorable toddler was sitting in the row behind me, kicking the back of my seat. Kids, I chuckled to myself, as my $5.00 glass of the house chardonnay fell off my tray. As I bent to pick up the cup, the flight attendants hit me with their beverage cart, visibly annoyed that I didn’t hear their “watch your elbows and toes!” warning. The adorable toddler snickered and continued battering my seat with his freakishly large feet.

I turned around, noticed the mother snoring, and smiled at the child’s pudgy sticky moon face. “Do you know where this plane is going?” I asked. “It’s going to the orphanage. Your parents don’t love you anymore. Also, you’ll be forced to beg for your food.”

It turns out that a majority of travelers surveyed believe that there should be a separate section on airplanes for families, like in the baggage compartment or overhead bins. According to Maritz Research and the Association for Canadian Studies, 730 of 1,000 people polled would rather get in a car with Donald Trump than sit near kids. And the families traveling with children tend to agree.

Megan Stackhouse from Virginia said that “as a mother of four, I have to say that a family-friendly section on a plane would be a welcome addition. When we had toddlers, we got so tired of the grumpy looks and unkind comments from people who either never had kids or who forgot that they were once kids themselves. Keeping a baby, toddler or preschooler happy and quiet for hours and confined in a cramped space is unbelievably STRESSFUL.”

Oh please. No one MADE you have those brats.

An AP story last week reported that Southwest Airlines may be considering family-only sections – however, Southwest said that’s not true. Instead, they’re testing new ways to board passengers. Well, that would be a welcome change. Do you know how frustrating it is to watch the families with their snotty kids board before everyone else? They say “parents traveling with small children” but I’ve seen many parents board early with their 16-year-olds. It’s almost as infuriating as those Central Market parking spaces designated for parents with small children.

Still, parents seem to believe that it’s the non-breeders with the problem, not them. Take Ken Riley from Missouri. “Since when did people have the right to expect children to always behave? I’m a 40-year-old guy that has one child but has traveled on planes and sat in restaurants with many children and I’m sick and tired of the belly-aching done by people who forget what it’s like to be a kid or to have kids.” 

Really.  Mr. Riley, I'd say from about the time you all expected to have the right to walk into a bar and tell me I can't smoke my cigar. But, yes, you’re right. Anyone who’s annoyed by your ill-behaved child must not have kids. Or they were smart enough to drug them with triamedic cough syrup.  Take your pick.